Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
