At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
