I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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