My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize