im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
