And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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