I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
