We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
