Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
