I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
