Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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