Nicole vs. Life
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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