I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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