i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
