I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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