I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My balls are so social today.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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