if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
