Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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