He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
