I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
