i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
