Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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