You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He felt like a one man threesome
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
