Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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