Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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