so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
