Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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