So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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