I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
