I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
