Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
