I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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