you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
