I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
