I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
