We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
