you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
