I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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