There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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