Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
