Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
