I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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