Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
