you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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