The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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