i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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