hell yes lets make some ravioli
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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