A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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