My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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