Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
