I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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