when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
