I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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