Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
