can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
