You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
