I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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